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Over a decade ago, I wrote the book, The Gaslight Effect, for victims of hidden manipulation known as “gaslighting.” I had heard their stories in my private practice as a psychotherapist, but also from friends, colleagues, and loved ones. I published the book to build awareness of this concept, which was not familiar to many, but which I believed revealed a timeless dynamic that when unnamed, can destroy relationships and destabilize its victims. Through the book, I named gaslighting for the public and provided examples, insights, and strategies so that more people could rise above its challenges.

Ten years later, I saw a public resurgence in the term “gaslight,” with broader applications than personal relationships to include political and societal ones. I also began to connect my work at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, and specifically the principles of RULER, our evidence-based approach to social and emotional learning, to the gaslight phenomenon. I noticed how the RULER skills of recognizing, understanding, labeling, expressing, andregulating emotions could be used to identify, manage, and even prevent being on either side of the gaslight tango.

In this blog, I will draw numerous stories I’ve heard as well as many lessons I’ve learned about gaslighting and emotional intelligence. I will discuss gaslighters, gaslightees, and the dynamic between these roles, with personal, political, and societal examples. I also will offer strategies for leveraging the skills of emotional intelligence so that we can be gaslight-free in our personal relationships and as we navigate our sociopolitical landscape. I’m looking forward to sharing my stories and ideas and to learning from you along the way. Please post a comment if you have a specific topic or question you would like me to cover.

Until next time,
Robin

Do you often second guess yourself? Are you having trouble making simple decisions?  Do you ask yourself ‘am I just too sensitive’ a dozen times a day?  Do you sometimes feel confused and crazy at work? Do you know there is something is wrong, but you just can’t put your finger on it?  You start lying to your partner to avoid the reality twists?  Do you withhold details of your relationship from friends?  Do you feel that you are not the same self you were when you met your partner?

If you answered YES to one or more of these questions – you may be in a gaslighting relationship. Let’s take a closer look on how to identify the gaslight effect.

In my book The Gaslight Effect: how to spot and survive the hidden manipulation others use to control your life, I describe the debilitating impact that dancing the ‘gaslight tango’ can have on you as you move through the stages of gaslighting.  If you are suffering the gaslight effect, you are no longer sure of your reality, you are questioning your sense of self and you have given over your power  in order to preserve the relationship. That’s the bad news. And, tragically, you are in deep psychological pain – sometimes you even feel like your soul hurts. But – there is good news here too: being in an ongoing gaslighting relationship requires your  participation – even unwittingly – and that means that when you can name it  you can begin to gather  your inner strength and outside resources to step out of the dynamic.

I wrote the book because I listened to my patients and my friends, for years, talk about being consumed by a dynamic I called the “gaslight tango”.  I witnessed the most successful of women, come unglued in their most intimate relationships, while at the same time, leading non profits, running companies with confidence and great success.

The people I saw dancing the ‘gaslight tango’ most often in my practice were in romantic  relationships. While both men and women can be gaslighters, the pairing I see most often is the man as gaslighter and the woman, the gaslightee – following a more traditional model of man, the dominant and woman, the submissive.  However, I have worked with many men who are gaslightees, many women who are involved with gaslighting women and both sexes being gaslighted by men or women in the workplace.  No matter the players, gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse.

The “powerful” gaslighter communicates with certainty and consistency that he is right and there is something wrong with you or the way you think.  The systematic knocking you down over time, will eat away at your confidence  and cause you to experience a growing shakiness of self. Gradually, you begin to question what you thought you knew to be true. You are second guessing your reality.

Identifying The Stages Of The Gaslight Effect

In the next blogs, I will tell you more about what gasligting looks like in Stage 1:  Disbelief, Stage 2: Defense, Stage 3: Depression.  I will describe the different types of gaslighters the “glamour gaslighter” “good guy gaslighter” “the intimidator gaslighter”.  I will explore – and, present some cases  – about vulnerabilities on both sides and dynamics that keep gaslighter and gaslightee dancing together.

And – importantly, I will give you tips and strategies about how to stop gaslighting, and how to decide to stay or leave a relationship – and, either way, how to reclaim your reality and your joy.

In the meantime – if you are dancing the Gaslight Tango: here are a few quick tips about how to step out of the dance, now that you recognize that’s what is happening :

1. Opt out of power struggles – write down language you can use and practice it (like this: we are saying the same thing, again and again, I just don’t want to continue)
2. Avoid the right-wrong debates – pay attention to how you feel instead
3. Practice sentence stems like “we can agree to disagree” when your perspectives clash
4. Use silence instead of commenting when someone is provoking you – or, excuse yourself and walk away
5. Write down your dialogue, as verbatim as you recall, and take a look at it at another time – notice when the conversation pivots to gaslighting
6. Talk to a trusted friend for a reality check when you feel uncertain
7. Trust your gut, if something feels wrong, it is wrong for you!

Identify The Gaslight Effect With Robin Stern’s Book

If you think things like this can’t happen to you, think again. Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that is difficult to recognize and even harder to break free from.

The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life will show you how the Gaslight Effect works, how you can decide which relationships can be saved and which you have to walk away from —and how to gasproof your life so you’ll avoid gaslighting relationship. Learn more about my book on The Gaslight Effect.

In a recent post about emotional boundaries in the workplace, I shared my thoughts and practical strategies on how to engage with co-workers.

In our workplaces we tend to engage with people whose nature feels ‘like us’, making it easy to get along and get comfortable. On the other hand, we will not engage with people whose energy feels ‘too much’ or ‘not enough’… that is, not like us (by nature). One helpful way to approach everyone we meet is through the lens of being an ‘emotion scientist’ that is open to others and is curious rather than critical.

I wanted to re-share some of these strategies so you can try them out in the workplace.

Here Are Some Strategies On How To Get Even Better At Keeping Emotional Boundaries

• If the drama doesn’t involve you and you want to engage with the individual, you can set yourself up for success by using a regulation strategy to bring yourself to a place of calm. Try to listen and empathize and ask if your co-worker wants your help in problem-solving or strategizing. Bring yourself to a place of calm first. Talking in a calm voice is one way to co-regulate (help your co-worker calm down), as emotions are contagious.
• If the drama does involve you, and the conversation becomes unconstructive or a power struggle, opt out. Find your own words for stopping the endless back and forth, like this: “I hear you, but we are going to have to agree to disagree. I appreciate you are feeling that way, but I can’t have a conversation when emotions are so heated. Let’s revisit this another time.”
• Beware of the empathy trap, spending too much time in your co-worker’s shoes.
• If you find yourself going round and round the same dramatic narrative, let your co-worker know you care but you don’t think you really are being helpful.

Some Other Useful Strategies You Can Consider Are:

• Ask if your co-worker might want to do something to distract themselves or focus on something else
• Ask your co-worker if they would like to hear about strategies you use when you are activated
• Mention that you’ve noticed venting often isn’t that helpful
• Mention that you have work you need to get done
• If appropriate, point out that they may need to talk to a professional

Think about the ways you are already handling these moments and what is working and what is not. I recommend taking a look at the suggestions above and try them out. And, as you proceed, notice barriers in your way.

I would also recommend reading Marc Brackett’s book Permission to Feel and my book The Gaslight Effect, as well as the points highlighted above. And , finally, please be sure to include yourself in the circle of people you have compassion for. You deserve your own attention and self-care.

Robin Stern Tackles ‘Emotional Boundaries’ With The Help Of Oji Life Lab

Robin Stern is one of the founding advisors for Oji Life Lab, a digital learning system for organizations which helps people develop essential emotional intelligence skills that drive performance in the workplace and in life.

With the help of bite-sized emotional learning right from a smartphone app, Oji learners can benefit from:

• Expert videos from Marc Brackett & me
• The Mood Meter Tool
• Live video discussions led by an Oji Coach
• And a whole lot more!

To learn more about Oji Life Lab, visit: http://www.ojilifelab.com/

Recently, as I was giving a talk about gaslighting,  many people in the audience had an “aha” experience – but then, when I said that there is good news about this destructive tango, suddenly they were very confused. The silence was palpable.  I want to highlight the good news in this post. And there is good news.  The good news is that once you can identify and name the Gaslight Effect, you are empowered to recognize it and heal your relationship—or change it! Then you can reclaim your reality and, along with it, your self-esteem and your life. Knowledge is power!

Identifying “The Gaslight Effect” And How To Reclaim Your Reality

In my book The Gaslight Effect: how to spot and survive the hidden manipulation others use to control your life, I describe an imbalance of power in an all too familiar, yet often subtle, kind of power-play. In this situation, the more powerful “gaslighter” attempts to define the reality of a less powerful “gaslightee”, and the person in the one-down position allows that to happen. As a result, the gaslightee begins to second-guess herself because she has allowed another person to define her reality and erode her judgment. She has given over her power.

(I use “she” because that is the pairing I see most often; that being said, women can be gaslighters too, and men, gaslightees)

I wrote the book because I witnessed this dynamic for years in my private practice, and, among my friends. I saw even the most successful of women come unglued — not to mention the thousands, if not millions of men, women and children, whose heads are spinning because someone is aggressively challenging their reality.

This dynamic—I call it the Gaslight Tango—occurs in all different types of relationships: at the office, in our friendships, between parents and children, between doctors and patients, between politicians and their constituents,  and between siblings. It is a form of psychological abuse.

How Can You Identify Someone’s Destructive Behavior?

The powerful gaslighter (he has power both because he asserts it and because the gaslightee gives it to him!) engages in an ongoing, systematic knocking down of the other, less powerful, person, purposely controlling the relationship by telling the other that there is something wrong with the way she sees the world or there’s something wrong with who she is. Meanwhile, the gaslightee, by agreeing with him or allowing his perceptions define hers, over time, loses confidence, feels unsure and experiences a growing shakiness of self. Gradually, the gaslightee begins to question what she thought she knew, and gives up the power to stand in her own reality.

Recently I was featured in a Buzzfeed article on just this situation, referencing the Netflix documentary Bad Vegan. Read about it here.

Moving Forward And Reclaiming Your Reality

A few quick tips if you are dancing the Gaslight Tango:

• opt out of the power struggles
• avoid the right-wrong debate
• use silence instead of commenting when someone is provoking you
• write down your dialogues, then, take a look at them at another time
• talk to a trusted friend
• trust your gut: if something feels wrong, it is wrong for you!

It’s time to reclaim your reality!

Please check out my book for more strategies – and stay tuned for more posts on “The Gaslight Effect”.

In my first blog about The Gaslight Effect and how to identify it, you learned that identifying this destructive pattern in your relationship can be changed. That being said, a reader asked me recently if it is possible over time to get so beaten down and so sure you might be at fault, that you can’t identify the dynamic? The answer is a resounding YES. Sometimes it can be hard to tell if you are being gaslighted.

The Gaslight Effect happens over time, gradually. Often, by the time you are deep into the ‘Gaslight Tango‘ (the dance you do with your gaslighting partner, where you allow him/her to define your reality) you are not the same strong self you used to be. In fact, your ego functioning has been compromised and, no longer being certain of your reality, you are not often able to accurately identify when something is “off” with your partner.

The process of gaslighting happens in stages. Although the stages are not always linear and do overlap at times, they do reflect very different emotional and psychological states of mind.

Let’s take a look at The Gaslight Effect and its stages so that you’re better equipped to know if you are being gaslighted.

The First Stage Of The Gaslight Effect: Disbelief

This is when the first sign of gaslighting occurs. You think of the gaslighting interaction as a strange behavior or an anomalous moment. During this first stage, things happen between you and your partner, or your boss, friend, family member, that seem odd to you, causing  you to question if you are being gaslighted or not.

A young woman I know—let’s call her Rhonda—just told me about her second date with-let’s call him Dean. She was shocked when, after a terrific dinner, he left her at the bus stop. He told her she was nuts to wait for a bus, and, if she wanted to travel that way, he was not going to wait with her and would just see her another time.

But, the piece de resistance was that he called her later that night (note that she picked up the call) and, he was insistent that there was nothing wrong with his jumping on the subway, while she took the bus. Further, he told her that he was certain there was something wrong with the way she made choices about traveling. She argued, but ultimately wrote off his behavior as “really weird.” In recounting the story, she says it is “weird,” and, that he must have a “thing” about buses—but that she does really want to see him again—they have so much in common and he is really romantic.

Red flag? Yes.

Unlikely that this is going to be an isolated incident. Dean sounds like he has to get his own way—and, he has to be right. Rhonda, on the other hand,  is very attracted to him and wants things to work out, so, she is likely to explain away his behavior, at least for awhile.

The Second Stage Of The Gaslight Effect: Defense

This stage of the gaslight effect is where you are defending yourself against the gaslighters manipulation. Think about it—you tell your boss, for example, that you are unhappy with the assignments you have been getting; you feel you are being wrongly passed over for the best assignments. You ask him why this is happening. Instead of addressing the issue, he tells you that you are way too sensitive and way too stressed.

Okay, you think,  maybe you are sensitive and stressed, but, that doesn’t answer the question of why you are being passed over for these better assignments. But, rather than leaving it at that, or redirecting the conversation, you start defending yourself, telling your boss you are not that sensitive or stressed, or, that the stress doesn’t interfere with your ability to work. But, during this stage, you are driven crazy by the conversation, which is repeating itself over and over, like an endless tape, in your mind.

What’s worse is that these kind of conversations characterize your relationship more and more. You can’t stand that your boss sees the situation like that, and you work even harder on the assignments you find boring, even demeaning, just to prove that you are not overly sensitive and stressed out.

The Third Stage Of The Gaslight Effect: Depression

By the time you get to this stage, you are experiencing a noticeable lack of joy in your life and you hardly recognize yourself anymore. Some of your behavior feels truly alien. You feel more cut off from friends—in fact, you don’t talk to people about your relationship very much—none of them like your guy. People may express concern about how you are and you are feeling—they treat you like you really do have a problem.

One of the examples I wrote about in my book The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulations  Other People Use to Control Your Life, concerns a lovely woman, Melanie.

In the story told, Melanie was frantic because she couldn’t find the “right” kind of salmon (her husband likes wild salmon and the grocery only had farm-raised) to serve at the dinner party for her husband’s company. She knew her husband would accuse her of not caring enough about him to go to the store earlier in the day. Incidents like this were happening so much at home that Melanie began to believe he was right. After all, what was more important than her husband? Why wasn’t she a more considerate wife?

She was unhappy almost all the time and, she really believed that she could be a better, more considerate wife. She began to look for evidence of her poor behavior. Melanie had lost the ability, over time, to see anything else wrong with the relationship, other than she was a less than adequate wife. She was buying into the gaslighting.

It took a long time, and a lot of reflection and analysis, reality testing and self-management, for Melanie’s view to shift and for her to reclaim her reality and her life.

Are You Being Gaslight? Watch Out For These Tell Tale Signs You’re Being Gaslighted

If any of the warning signs below ring true, you may be dancing the Gaslight Tango. Take care of yourself by taking another look at your relationship, talking to a trusted friend, and begin to think about changing the dynamic of your relationship.

Here are the signs:

• You are constantly second-guessing yourself.
• You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” a dozen times a day.
• You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
• You’re always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend, boss.
• You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
• You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
• You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
• You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
• You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
• You have trouble making simple decisions.
• You have the sense that you used to be a very different person — more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
• You feel hopeless and joyless.
• You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
• You wonder if you are a “good enough” girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/husband/employee/ friend/daughter.
• You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.

Remember, there is good news about identifying the gaslight effect: It’s that knowledge is power. Once you can name this all-too-insidious dynamic, you can work towards changing the dynamic, or getting out. It’s time to take back your reality and get more enjoyment from life and your relationship!

Look for my future blogs to learn more about manipulative relationships, gaslighting, power plays, and how to deal effectively and skillfully with these challenging relationships.