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When Gaslighting Invades Our Professional, Medical And Cultural Worlds

June 25, 2023

Setting the Record Straight: What is Gaslighting?

In a recent Medium article, I discuss that inescapable term—what many love to use but rarely understand: gaslighting. It’s become so popular that Merriam-Webster named it the 2022 word of the year. And it’s still going strong.

The phrase “to gaslight” refers to the act of undermining another person’s reality by denying facts, the environment around them, or their feelings. Targets of gaslighting are manipulated into turning against their cognition, their emotions, and who they fundamentally are as people.

In my own clinical practice over 30 years, I have seen mostly women wanting help with their gaslighting husbands. However, the notion that gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that occurs solely in a romantic relationship, solely inflicted by the man on the woman is false, and much too narrow a definition. I have worked with many men who are or have been gaslighted and many women who recognize that they may be gaslighting their men.

More often, it is power, not sex, that is the common denominator that determines which party is the gaslighter.

The unfortunate truth is that today people in positions of power are wielding their authority to manipulate others into questioning their reality. This is not new, actually; we simply have become more aware of it infiltrating many walks of our lives recently. In fact, this notion of power is what explains why gaslighting has been taking root in the broader cultural and systemic levels of our society.

Gaslighting Invades Our Cultural, Medical, and Professional Worlds

Professional gaslighting, medical gaslighting, and cultural gaslighting are three nontraditional forms that many people are beginning to identify in their own lived experiences. Let's take a closer look at each of them.

Professional gaslighting, or "gaslighting in the workplace"

“I can’t believe my boss just threw me under the bus like that! He’s the one who made the decision to push the project deadline; it had nothing to do with my missing the due date. But now I look like the weak link on the team.” -Anonymous.

As outlined above, many people know gaslighting as it happens in romantic relationships, but it’s not isolated to just the home. Many people also experience it at work. For example, a boss retells details about a group effort to make himself look like the hero, or a colleague denies her part in a less-than-favorable team project to ensure you take the blame.

In these situations, it is often tempting to stay quiet for fear of being perceived as overly sensitive, or even losing a job. In certain scenarios, gaslighting at work is illegal. There are also supervisors and bosses that cultivate toxicity but are not actually gaslighting. Below are a few measures employees can take to determine the existence of gaslighting and protect themselves from it. First, ask yourself:

Are they often distorting or denying the truth?
Do they become defensive when questioned and use shame or humiliation as a weapon?
Do your interactions with this person leave you feeling belittled, confused or even crazy, unsure if you should believe them?

If these indicators sound familiar, you may be a victim of gaslighting.

Remember: you have the right to work in an environment that makes you feel physically, emotionally, and psychologically safe, free from harassment of any kind.

Document all interactions with this person including dates and details. This record-keeping not only serves as evidence if you do decide to take action, but can also help you spot gaslighting behaviors and identify their patterns over time.
Proceed carefully and seek help from a colleague with high standing in your organization or directly with Human Resources.
Confiding in a trusted source can help the mental health constraints that come with gaslighting as well as bring a neutral perspective to your experiences.

Medical gaslighting is more common than you think

“My doctor said the symptoms I was experiencing couldn’t be real because it’s not normal for these things to be happening so long after an operation. He told me that I am overly sensitive to bodily sensations, have an unusually low tolerance for discomfort. and I should try to relax more. At first I was outraged at his insensitivity and dismissiveness, but after months of listening to his certainty, I began to think that maybe he was right.” -Anonymous

Sadly, too many people have heard these words from their trusted medical professionals. Medical gaslighting occurs when doctors deny patients are sick, blame symptoms on psychological factors, minimize an illness, or misdiagnose. This New York Times article suggests the following are indicators that medical gaslighting is occurring.

Your provider refuses to discuss your symptoms.
Your provider will not order key imaging or lab work to rule out or confirm a diagnosis.
You feel that your provider is being rude, condescending or belittling.
Your provider continually interrupts you, doesn’t allow you to elaborate and doesn’t appear to be an engaged listener.
Your provider minimizes or downplays your symptoms, for example questioning whether you have pain.

How do you avoid being gaslighted by your doctor?

Bring a family member or friend to your appointments.
Write down – even record – your time with doctors.
Ask for a copy of your medical records and be sure they reflect what you know.
Put your complaint or concern in writing to your doctor and keep a copy for yourself.
Send an email after your appointment to confirm and summarize what you talked about and ask the doctor to confirm receiving your email.
Before, during and after meeting with your doctor, check in with your emotions. Ask yourself, do I feel confident that I will be listened to by my doctor? Am I comfortable saying what I think and feel with this person? Do I feel safe, heard, and listened to?
Listen to your body. If your doctor says you are fine and you don’t feel fine, ask for another appointment, additional tests or a referral to a specialist.
If you don’t feel heard and respected and/or you are still experiencing symptoms, seek another opinion.

Cultural gaslighting: A Subtle Manipulation in Dominant Cultures

“Look, I’m not trying to be the bad guy here but this ‘equal rights’ thing with women has gotten out of control. There are just certain things men can do that women can’t… What’s wrong with that? So what if a guy gets paid 30 cents more an hour? He probably deserves it! Suddenly we have a woman as Vice President of the United States and you all still think the whole world is out to get you? C’mon, I’m not buying it. Overreacting is what it’s called – just listen to yourself – definitely not ‘inequality’.” -Anonymous

This is an outrageous, yet not uncommon, reflection of cultural gaslighting. As Dr. Paige Sweet, a colleague at the University of Michigan wrote, "Although we tend to think of gaslighting as a problem between two people in a relationship, it also unfolds as part of an unequal social context. Gaslighting feeds off social vulnerabilities and stereotypes. It entrenches existing power imbalances while fostering new ones. The term is also increasingly used to describe structural racism, sexism, homophobia, and ableism."

“Gaslighting feeds off social vulnerabilities and stereotypes.” - Dr. Paige Sweet

I know I am not alone in believing that the #MeToo outcry was a way for women whose emotions and reality were squashed, belittled, silenced and dismissed for years, to stand together and reclaim their reality – to declare that they in fact were mistreated, abused, and undermined by powerful men in their lives telling them “you wanted it ” to “that did not happen,” “it was no big deal,” or “you are a drama queen.” I have worked with many brave women in my practice, now ready to speak out about the pain of being gaslighted for years – many having identified gaslighting in conversations with other women.

Name it to Tame it: How To Identify Gaslighting In Your Own Life

It’s one thing to understand gaslighting conceptually. It’s much more difficult to identify when gaslighting is happening in your own life, especially if it’s taking place at work, in the doctor’s office, or on any social media platform.

Having a gaslighting experience does not make you a gaslighting victim. But most people who are being gaslighted don’t know it’s happening to them until they’re immersed in it. Look at the following list of gaslighting indicators. If any of these resonate with you, it might signal that you are experiencing gaslighting:

You have trouble making simple decisions.
You feel isolated and alone much of the time.
You are not the same strong or confident self you used to be.
You wonder if you are good enough.
You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” many times per day.
You often feel confused and even crazy.
You’re always apologizing.
You can’t understand why you aren’t happier.
You know something is wrong, but you just don’t know what.
You start lying to avoid put-downs and reality twists.

With greater understanding of how it might show up in your life beyond a romantic relationship, you can harness and maintain your power to stop gaslighting before it becomes a pattern. You can make the choice to speak up at work, report your doctor’s gaslighting behavior, or become an ally. Transform this new knowledge into newfound power. Learn more about gaslighting in its many forms from The Gaslight Effect Podcast.

You can also identify if you are a part of a pattern of emotional or relationship abuse involving gaslighting and pull yourself out of that dynamic with the help of The Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide, an interactive workbook that will help you reclaim your reality.

When A Desire For Self-Improvement Turns To Self-Sabotage

August 31, 2022

A couple of years ago, I was honored to be a guest on the Today Show for a special segment on gaslighting hosted by Maria Shriver. In preparing for the interview, I reflected on stories of gaslighting that have stood out to me through the years. In my private practice, I’ve seen all sorts of gaslighting — gaslighters and gaslightees of all genders, ages, races, and backgrounds. But I found the following story unique and important to share with all of you. It’s about a woman who I will call Natalie–and, if you met Natalie today, you would never believe it possible (This is often the case). Here’s her story: When a desire for self-improvement turns to self-sabotage.

Natalie had been coming to me for a while in hopes of working through a difficult childhood. She had been raised by a mother who was impulsive, unpredictable, egocentric, and both physically and verbally abusive. Natalie had scars on her head from silverware and on her legs from wooden spoons breaking on them. Her mother’s favorite name for her and her two siblings as children were the “Good-for-Nothin’s.” Good-for-Nothin’ 1, 2, and 3. Natalie was the first born, so was Good-for-Nothin’ #1.

She did not think much of the nicknames or her mother’s behavior until elementary school, when she started visiting other children’s houses for playdates. Why did all of their mothers seem so nice? They didn’t yell or throw things at their children. They didn’t call them mean names or chase them around the house with belts and spatulas. They weren’t smiling one minute and then screaming the next. It left Natalie with a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach.

Natalie wanted to ensure she would never act like her mother, never treat another human being the way she had been treated. But her childhood was hard to shake. From a young age, she feared becoming like her mother, cringing when someone even vaguely referenced a similarity between them.

In middle school, Natalie began journaling about her mother’s erratic and cruel behavior, thinking that if she wrote it all down, she would never forget and would never do any of the things her mother did to her own children. Natalie read several books about personality development in high school and studied psychology in college and grad school. By the time of our first session together, she was in her mid-twenties, had read hundreds of self-help books, and had filled over 30 journals. In our sessions, she referred to herself as a “work in progress.” She was keenly aware of all of her imperfections and bad habits and looked for opportunities for self-improvement.

At that time, she was dating a man named Dorian. Dorian was four years older, a Harvard graduate, and a brilliant musician. Natalie adored Dorian and really looked up to him as someone older and wiser. And, at first, he seemed to adore her too—he loved her self-analysis and constant attempts to “become a better person.” As she was always reading and writing, her in-depth analyses of life and the human psyche always provided her with something to say. Dorian said he admired that she could respond to any question, relate to any story, engage in a conversation on any topic, and pick it up when any conversation died.

How Self-Improvement Can Turn Into “Self Sabotage”

But, at some point, Dorian seem to tire of Natalie’s endless introspection and her talkativeness. He was suddenly critical of her on a regular basis, saying things like, “I need silence. I need you to ask me more questions instead of you answering your own questions. You talk too much. You think too much.”

Immediately, Natalie would thank him for his words and apologize for her shortcomings and mistakes. She explained that she knew overthinking and excessive talking were her weaknesses, and she wanted to get better in these areas. She asked for his help, viewing it as an opportunity for self-improvement. After many months of this, they had a conversation that went something like this:

Dorian: “You’re quiet so much more lately, which means you’re improving. But, I can tell it’s hard for you—to stay quiet and to know when it’s okay to speak. Maybe you should be completely silent until it’s not uncomfortable for you anymore. Because now the only thing that comes out of your mouth are insincere questions—you ask me about my day or about how I’m feeling…but only because I’ve asked you to ask me. You don’t really care. Maybe you just need more practice quieting your mind and your voice.”

Natalie: “Of course, I care. I love you, and I want to know about your day and your feelings.”

Dorian: “If this were the case, then you would let me talk until I’m done. You would let me go on until I ask you a question or until I ask you to speak. You are just like your mother.”

At this point, he suggested that it would be best if she would only speak when he asked her a question, or if she raised her hand and he nodded that she had his permission to speak. She convinced herself that this must be a good idea—that he only wanted her to overcome her tragic flaws. Dorian loved her and wanted to further her self-improvement.

And, so, she went along with it. She welcomed it. She found comfort in keeping silent as long as possible and then raising her hand only after Dorian had spoken at length about his day, his music, his ideas. After all, she was working on herself, and she was achieving the goal of becoming less like her mother.

One day a close college friend of Natalie’s came into town. Natalie arranged for her and Dorian to meet her for dinner. Shortly after sitting down at the restaurant table, Natalie’s friend noticed Natalie raising her hand for permission to speak. The third time it happened, she grabbed Natalie’s hand and dragged her into the ladies’ room. She screamed through tears of concern, “What is going on?! Who are you, and what did you do with my friend, Natalie?! I hardly recognize this quiet, meek, and pathetic version of you! Raise your hand before you speak?! And wait for him to call on you?! Like a small child in a classroom! What happened to my strong, confident friend, brimming with stimulating ideas and nonstop chatter? Where did she go?”

Luckily, for Natalie, her friend’s concern had the intended impact—it was a wake-up call to Natalie. It did not mark the end of her relationship with Dorian, but it marked the beginning of the end…as Natalie began to take back her reality.

Identifying The Gaslight Effect And Taking Back Your Reality!

It took Natalie about 10 months of writing out their dialogue, of trying to put an end to the manipulation, of calling him out on his unrealistic and critical demands of her, and of her standing up for herself and saying “no” to his crazy requests, to know that things within their relationship would never change.

Dorian was not willing to look at his own behavior, words, or twists of reality. He believed that he was right and that she had too many problems to even be deserving of an opinion. With the support of her friends and her journal, Natalie was able to walk away. Nearly two decades later, she is in a mutually fulfilling relationship of over a decade with a man who loves and respects her and a 9-year-old son who loves her dearly. Her life is gaslight free.

Natalie’s story is not unusual; many “gaslightees” are convinced over time—by someone they trust—that some behavior or action on the part of the gaslighter or requested of them (the gaslightee) is completely reasonable…and, in Natalie’s case, even helpful and desirable. Natalie’s positive view of Dorian, as the loving guy she wanted him to be, the desire to have him see her in a positive light, and her commitment to bettering herself—these all led her to engage in behavior that later seemed crazy to her. This is very typical of gaslighting in a relationship. It also is common for gaslightees to engage in frequent self-reflection and introspection—to constantly examine one’s own behavior and question it. And, true of many gaslighting relationships, the spell was broken by a third party: Natalie’s friend witnessing the outrageous and degrading behavior she had allowed herself to become enmeshed in.

Lessons Learned About How Fear Can Drive Someone From Self-Improvement To Self Sabotage

For Natalie, there was an added layer of fear that she would become someone she didn’t want to be and a hope for self-improvement. What was unusual about this case was the initial comfort she found in being gaslit. At first, she welcomed the control and convinced herself that it was good for her. Also unusual, was that Natalie was not suffering under the spell of gaslighting; her reality at the time was about self-improvement and staving off the ghost of her mom.

Natalie’s story has a happy ending—she is blessed and knows it. Many people still suffer and have experienced great destruction at the hands of gaslighters. Hopefully, the more we read about and discuss gaslighting, the less likely we are for this to happen.

Welcome To Our “The Gaslight Effect” Blog

August 31, 2022

Over a decade ago, I wrote the book, The Gaslight Effect, for victims of hidden manipulation known as “gaslighting.” I had heard their stories in my private practice as a psychotherapist, but also from friends, colleagues, and loved ones. I published the book to build awareness of this concept, which was not familiar to many, but which I believed revealed a timeless dynamic that when unnamed, can destroy relationships and destabilize its victims. Through the book, I named gaslighting for the public and provided examples, insights, and strategies so that more people could rise above its challenges.

Ten years later, I saw a public resurgence in the term “gaslight,” with broader applications than personal relationships to include political and societal ones. I also began to connect my work at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, and specifically the principles of RULER, our evidence-based approach to social and emotional learning, to the gaslight phenomenon. I noticed how the RULER skills of recognizing, understanding, labeling, expressing, andregulating emotions could be used to identify, manage, and even prevent being on either side of the gaslight tango.

In this blog, I will draw numerous stories I’ve heard as well as many lessons I’ve learned about gaslighting and emotional intelligence. I will discuss gaslighters, gaslightees, and the dynamic between these roles, with personal, political, and societal examples. I also will offer strategies for leveraging the skills of emotional intelligence so that we can be gaslight-free in our personal relationships and as we navigate our sociopolitical landscape. I’m looking forward to sharing my stories and ideas and to learning from you along the way. Please post a comment if you have a specific topic or question you would like me to cover.

Until next time,
Robin

How To Identify “The Gaslight Effect”

August 31, 2022

Do you often second guess yourself? Are you having trouble making simple decisions? Do you ask yourself ‘am I just too sensitive’ a dozen times a day? Do you sometimes feel confused and crazy at work? Do you know there is something is wrong, but you just can’t put your finger on it? You start lying to your partner to avoid the reality twists? Do you withhold details of your relationship from friends? Do you feel that you are not the same self you were when you met your partner?

If you answered YES to one or more of these questions – you may be in a gaslighting relationship. Let’s take a closer look on how to identify the gaslight effect.

In my book The Gaslight Effect: how to spot and survive the hidden manipulation others use to control your life, I describe the debilitating impact that dancing the ‘gaslight tango’ can have on you as you move through the stages of gaslighting. If you are suffering the gaslight effect, you are no longer sure of your reality, you are questioning your sense of self and you have given over your power in order to preserve the relationship. That’s the bad news. And, tragically, you are in deep psychological pain – sometimes you even feel like your soul hurts. But – there is good news here too: being in an ongoing gaslighting relationship requires your participation – even unwittingly – and that means that when you can name it you can begin to gather your inner strength and outside resources to step out of the dynamic.

I wrote the book because I listened to my patients and my friends, for years, talk about being consumed by a dynamic I called the “gaslight tango”. I witnessed the most successful of women, come unglued in their most intimate relationships, while at the same time, leading non profits, running companies with confidence and great success.

The people I saw dancing the ‘gaslight tango’ most often in my practice were in romantic relationships. While both men and women can be gaslighters, the pairing I see most often is the man as gaslighter and the woman, the gaslightee – following a more traditional model of man, the dominant and woman, the submissive. However, I have worked with many men who are gaslightees, many women who are involved with gaslighting women and both sexes being gaslighted by men or women in the workplace. No matter the players, gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse.

The “powerful” gaslighter communicates with certainty and consistency that he is right and there is something wrong with you or the way you think. The systematic knocking you down over time, will eat away at your confidence and cause you to experience a growing shakiness of self. Gradually, you begin to question what you thought you knew to be true. You are second guessing your reality.

Identifying The Stages Of The Gaslight Effect

In the next blogs, I will tell you more about what gasligting looks like in Stage 1: Disbelief, Stage 2: Defense, Stage 3: Depression. I will describe the different types of gaslighters the “glamour gaslighter” “good guy gaslighter” “the intimidator gaslighter”. I will explore – and, present some cases – about vulnerabilities on both sides and dynamics that keep gaslighter and gaslightee dancing together.

And – importantly, I will give you tips and strategies about how to stop gaslighting, and how to decide to stay or leave a relationship – and, either way, how to reclaim your reality and your joy.

In the meantime – if you are dancing the Gaslight Tango: here are a few quick tips about how to step out of the dance, now that you recognize that’s what is happening :

Opt out of power struggles – write down language you can use and practice it (like this: we are saying the same thing, again and again, I just don’t want to continue)
Avoid the right-wrong debates – pay attention to how you feel instead
Practice sentence stems like “we can agree to disagree” when your perspectives clash
Use silence instead of commenting when someone is provoking you – or, excuse yourself and walk away
Write down your dialogue, as verbatim as you recall, and take a look at it at another time – notice when the conversation pivots to gaslighting
Talk to a trusted friend for a reality check when you feel uncertain
Trust your gut, if something feels wrong, it is wrong for you!

Identify The Gaslight Effect With Robin Stern’s Book

If you think things like this can’t happen to you, think again. Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that is difficult to recognize and even harder to break free from.

The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life will show you how the Gaslight Effect works, how you can decide which relationships can be saved and which you have to walk away from —and how to gasproof your life so you’ll avoid gaslighting relationship. Learn more about my book on The Gaslight Effect.

Robin Stern Tackles Emotional Boundaries In The Workplace

August 31, 2022

In a recent post about emotional boundaries in the workplace, I shared my thoughts and practical strategies on how to engage with co-workers.

In our workplaces we tend to engage with people whose nature feels ‘like us’, making it easy to get along and get comfortable. On the other hand, we will not engage with people whose energy feels ‘too much’ or ‘not enough’… that is, not like us (by nature). One helpful way to approach everyone we meet is through the lens of being an ‘emotion scientist’ that is open to others and is curious rather than critical.

I wanted to re-share some of these strategies so you can try them out in the workplace.

Here Are Some Strategies On How To Get Even Better At Keeping Emotional Boundaries

If the drama doesn’t involve you and you want to engage with the individual, you can set yourself up for success by using a regulation strategy to bring yourself to a place of calm. Try to listen and empathize and ask if your co-worker wants your help in problem-solving or strategizing. Bring yourself to a place of calm first. Talking in a calm voice is one way to co-regulate (help your co-worker calm down), as emotions are contagious.
If the drama does involve you, and the conversation becomes unconstructive or a power struggle, opt out. Find your own words for stopping the endless back and forth, like this: “I hear you, but we are going to have to agree to disagree. I appreciate you are feeling that way, but I can’t have a conversation when emotions are so heated. Let’s revisit this another time.”
Beware of the empathy trap, spending too much time in your co-worker’s shoes.
If you find yourself going round and round the same dramatic narrative, let your co-worker know you care but you don’t think you really are being helpful.

Some Other Useful Strategies You Can Consider Are:

Ask if your co-worker might want to do something to distract themselves or focus on something else
Ask your co-worker if they would like to hear about strategies you use when you are activated
Mention that you’ve noticed venting often isn’t that helpful
Mention that you have work you need to get done
If appropriate, point out that they may need to talk to a professional

Think about the ways you are already handling these moments and what is working and what is not. I recommend taking a look at the suggestions above and try them out. And, as you proceed, notice barriers in your way.

I would also recommend reading Marc Brackett’s book Permission to Feel and my book The Gaslight Effect, as well as the points highlighted above. And , finally, please be sure to include yourself in the circle of people you have compassion for. You deserve your own attention and self-care.

Robin Stern Tackles ‘Emotional Boundaries’ With The Help Of Oji Life Lab

Robin Stern is one of the founding advisors for Oji Life Lab, a digital learning system for organizations which helps people develop essential emotional intelligence skills that drive performance in the workplace and in life.

With the help of bite-sized emotional learning right from a smartphone app, Oji learners can benefit from:

Expert videos from Marc Brackett & me
The Mood Meter Tool
Live video discussions led by an Oji Coach
And a whole lot more!

To learn more about Oji Life Lab, visit: http://www.ojilifelab.com/

Identify “The Gaslight Effect” And Reclaim Your Reality

August 31, 2022

Recently, as I was giving a talk about gaslighting, many people in the audience had an “aha” experience – but then, when I said that there is good news about this destructive tango, suddenly they were very confused. The silence was palpable. I want to highlight the good news in this post. And there is good news. The good news is that once you can identify and name the Gaslight Effect, you are empowered to recognize it and heal your relationship—or change it! Then you can reclaim your reality and, along with it, your self-esteem and your life. Knowledge is power!

Identifying “The Gaslight Effect” And How To Reclaim Your Reality

In my book The Gaslight Effect: how to spot and survive the hidden manipulation others use to control your life, I describe an imbalance of power in an all too familiar, yet often subtle, kind of power-play. In this situation, the more powerful “gaslighter” attempts to define the reality of a less powerful “gaslightee”, and the person in the one-down position allows that to happen. As a result, the gaslightee begins to second-guess herself because she has allowed another person to define her reality and erode her judgment. She has given over her power.

(I use “she” because that is the pairing I see most often; that being said, women can be gaslighters too, and men, gaslightees)

I wrote the book because I witnessed this dynamic for years in my private practice, and, among my friends. I saw even the most successful of women come unglued — not to mention the thousands, if not millions of men, women and children, whose heads are spinning because someone is aggressively challenging their reality.

This dynamic—I call it the Gaslight Tango—occurs in all different types of relationships: at the office, in our friendships, between parents and children, between doctors and patients, between politicians and their constituents, and between siblings. It is a form of psychological abuse.

How Can You Identify Someone’s Destructive Behavior?

The powerful gaslighter (he has power both because he asserts it and because the gaslightee gives it to him!) engages in an ongoing, systematic knocking down of the other, less powerful, person, purposely controlling the relationship by telling the other that there is something wrong with the way she sees the world or there’s something wrong with who she is. Meanwhile, the gaslightee, by agreeing with him or allowing his perceptions define hers, over time, loses confidence, feels unsure and experiences a growing shakiness of self. Gradually, the gaslightee begins to question what she thought she knew, and gives up the power to stand in her own reality.

Recently I was featured in a Buzzfeed article on just this situation, referencing the Netflix documentary Bad Vegan. Read about it here.

Moving Forward And Reclaiming Your Reality

A few quick tips if you are dancing the Gaslight Tango:

opt out of the power struggles
avoid the right-wrong debate
use silence instead of commenting when someone is provoking you
write down your dialogues, then, take a look at them at another time
talk to a trusted friend
trust your gut: if something feels wrong, it is wrong for you!

It’s time to reclaim your reality!

Please check out my book for more strategies – and stay tuned for more posts on “The Gaslight Effect”.

Are You Being Gaslighted? What Are The Stages?

August 31, 2022

In my first blog about The Gaslight Effect and how to identify it, you learned that identifying this destructive pattern in your relationship can be changed. That being said, a reader asked me recently if it is possible over time to get so beaten down and so sure you might be at fault, that you can’t identify the dynamic? The answer is a resounding YES. Sometimes it can be hard to tell if you are being gaslighted.

The Gaslight Effect happens over time, gradually. Often, by the time you are deep into the ‘Gaslight Tango‘ (the dance you do with your gaslighting partner, where you allow him/her to define your reality) you are not the same strong self you used to be. In fact, your ego functioning has been compromised and, no longer being certain of your reality, you are not often able to accurately identify when something is “off” with your partner.

The process of gaslighting happens in stages. Although the stages are not always linear and do overlap at times, they do reflect very different emotional and psychological states of mind.

Let’s take a look at The Gaslight Effect and its stages so that you’re better equipped to know if you are being gaslighted.

The First Stage Of The Gaslight Effect: Disbelief

This is when the first sign of gaslighting occurs. You think of the gaslighting interaction as a strange behavior or an anomalous moment. During this first stage, things happen between you and your partner, or your boss, friend, family member, that seem odd to you, causing you to question if you are being gaslighted or not.

A young woman I know—let’s call her Rhonda—just told me about her second date with-let’s call him Dean. She was shocked when, after a terrific dinner, he left her at the bus stop. He told her she was nuts to wait for a bus, and, if she wanted to travel that way, he was not going to wait with her and would just see her another time.

But, the piece de resistance was that he called her later that night (note that she picked up the call) and, he was insistent that there was nothing wrong with his jumping on the subway, while she took the bus. Further, he told her that he was certain there was something wrong with the way she made choices about traveling. She argued, but ultimately wrote off his behavior as “really weird.” In recounting the story, she says it is “weird,” and, that he must have a “thing” about buses—but that she does really want to see him again—they have so much in common and he is really romantic.

Red flag? Yes.

Unlikely that this is going to be an isolated incident. Dean sounds like he has to get his own way—and, he has to be right. Rhonda, on the other hand, is very attracted to him and wants things to work out, so, she is likely to explain away his behavior, at least for awhile.

The Second Stage Of The Gaslight Effect: Defense

This stage of the gaslight effect is where you are defending yourself against the gaslighters manipulation. Think about it—you tell your boss, for example, that you are unhappy with the assignments you have been getting; you feel you are being wrongly passed over for the best assignments. You ask him why this is happening. Instead of addressing the issue, he tells you that you are way too sensitive and way too stressed.

Okay, you think, maybe you are sensitive and stressed, but, that doesn’t answer the question of why you are being passed over for these better assignments. But, rather than leaving it at that, or redirecting the conversation, you start defending yourself, telling your boss you are not that sensitive or stressed, or, that the stress doesn’t interfere with your ability to work. But, during this stage, you are driven crazy by the conversation, which is repeating itself over and over, like an endless tape, in your mind.

What’s worse is that these kind of conversations characterize your relationship more and more. You can’t stand that your boss sees the situation like that, and you work even harder on the assignments you find boring, even demeaning, just to prove that you are not overly sensitive and stressed out.

The Third Stage Of The Gaslight Effect: Depression

By the time you get to this stage, you are experiencing a noticeable lack of joy in your life and you hardly recognize yourself anymore. Some of your behavior feels truly alien. You feel more cut off from friends—in fact, you don’t talk to people about your relationship very much—none of them like your guy. People may express concern about how you are and you are feeling—they treat you like you really do have a problem.

One of the examples I wrote about in my book The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulations Other People Use to Control Your Life, concerns a lovely woman, Melanie.

In the story told, Melanie was frantic because she couldn’t find the “right” kind of salmon (her husband likes wild salmon and the grocery only had farm-raised) to serve at the dinner party for her husband’s company. She knew her husband would accuse her of not caring enough about him to go to the store earlier in the day. Incidents like this were happening so much at home that Melanie began to believe he was right. After all, what was more important than her husband? Why wasn’t she a more considerate wife?

She was unhappy almost all the time and, she really believed that she could be a better, more considerate wife. She began to look for evidence of her poor behavior. Melanie had lost the ability, over time, to see anything else wrong with the relationship, other than she was a less than adequate wife. She was buying into the gaslighting.

It took a long time, and a lot of reflection and analysis, reality testing and self-management, for Melanie’s view to shift and for her to reclaim her reality and her life.

Are You Being Gaslight? Watch Out For These Tell Tale Signs You’re Being Gaslighted

If any of the warning signs below ring true, you may be dancing the Gaslight Tango. Take care of yourself by taking another look at your relationship, talking to a trusted friend, and begin to think about changing the dynamic of your relationship.

Here are the signs:

You are constantly second-guessing yourself.
You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” a dozen times a day.
You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
You’re always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend, boss.
You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You have the sense that you used to be a very different person — more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
You feel hopeless and joyless.
You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
You wonder if you are a “good enough” girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/husband/employee/ friend/daughter.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.

Remember, there is good news about identifying the gaslight effect: It’s that knowledge is power. Once you can name this all-too-insidious dynamic, you can work towards changing the dynamic, or getting out. It’s time to take back your reality and get more enjoyment from life and your relationship!

Look for my future blogs to learn more about manipulative relationships, gaslighting, power plays, and how to deal effectively and skillfully with these challenging relationships.

Envy: The Power Vacuum

August 31, 2022

Envy can strip us of our power in relationships if we let it. But, with the right skills, we can learn to let it go. As we approach a new school year, students are going to fill the campuses and hallways with different feelings and emotions.

As the Associate Director of the Center for Emotional Intelligence at Yale University, I see a new group of Yale freshmen arriving each year at this time. As it may be obvious from the name of our center, emotions are the focus of our research and our practice – and, we even sometimes get to ask our students how they’re feeling!

In one survey of a couple of hundred freshmen students last year, we asked what emotion they experience the most since becoming college students. The number one answer? Stress. Perhaps, there are no surprises there. It was their first year of college; And Yale’s an Ivy League institution. And, for many of these teens, it may have been their first time away from home and living with people other than their families.

But what’s really interesting was when we asked them why they felt so stressed. The number one answer on that? Envy. They wanted to be as smart as their roommates, as athletic as their chemistry partners, as attractive as their friends on Instagram or TikTok. They were stressed when they weren’t. We found this data alarming. These students achieved the highest level of success in high school, were admitted to Yale, and lived on a beautiful campus with like-minded students all around them, yet so many were wracked with envy.

What Is Envy And How Can It Have Such Power Over Our Relationships?

When they could have been focusing on their courses, what new knowledge awaited them to learn, or what interesting people they might meet in their new home away from home, so many were busy worrying about one thing: what others had that they didn’t.

The strong emotion of envy has power over us.

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, envy is “the feeling of wanting to be in the same situation as somebody else; the feeling of wanting something that somebody else has.” But, it’s more than that.

“Envy always implies conscious inferiority wherever it resides,” said the Roman philosopher, Pliny the Elder. Today, almost 2,000 years later, psychologists know envy as unpleasantness stemming from feelings of inferiority. Envy also may include feelings of resentment, hostility, frustration, desire, pain, and malice. Not surprisingly, envy correlates with unhappiness, depression, and low self-esteem. It renders us powerless, or at least with less power than the person or people of whom we are envious.

When we long to be someone else or to have what someone else has, envy can drive our behavior and cause us to behave blindly. In this way, it can poison our relationships by diminishing our self-worth, leading us to withdraw from relationships and use negative self-talk, aggression, and poor judgment. Essentially, when we are envious, we giving away our power to that envy. And, that giving away of power, can leave us vulnerable to gaslighting and other types of manipulation.

What Can We Do To Break Away From Envy’s Hold Over Us?

We can give ourselves permission to feel. Though we may not be proud of our envious feelings, we can accept that’s somehow where we landed. And, we can use that acceptance and acknowledgment as a starting point for exploration. We may ask ourselves what led up to our feeling inferior, what impact it has had on ourselves and our relationships, and what we can do now. Sometimes, when it is balanced with realistic self-appraisal, envy can be motivating.

Can you get to the point of achieving what someone else has achieved if you take action? For example, if you envy how many new friends someone has on campus, that may motivate you to make new connections through joining clubs, attending lectures, and perhaps being more assertive than you have in the past. On the other hand, if you are envious of an attribute of someone that you cannot change in yourself (for example, height or family wealth), that envy will likely harm more than help.

We can break away from unhelpful comparisons, and be grateful for what we have. It’s human nature to compare what we see and experience. Yet, when we compare ourselves to photo filtered “friends” and their highlight reels on social media…when we look longingly at others’ awards, accomplishments, and appearances…that is when we lose sight of all we have. As the ancient Greek philosopher, Epicurus, once said, “Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not…”

Overcoming Envy And Reclaiming Your Reality

Feel pride in your accomplishments, the skills you have developed, as well as your natural beauty and talents! When we focus on the things we have, we gain the freedom and comfort that comes with self-acceptance and gratitude. Only then can we begin to loosen the grip of envy and take back our power.

Look for my future blogs to learn more about manipulative relationships, gaslighting, power plays, and how to deal effectively and skillfully with these challenging relationships.