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When It’s Gaslighting, and When It Really Isn’t: Story About Disagreement Versus Gaslighting

October 30, 2022

In a recent post about Gaslighting and the power of relationships, I reflected on how the term "gaslighting" had gained currency in the recent years. My book The Gaslight Effect, helped popularize the term and allowed people in emotionally unhealthy and manipulative relationships name what was happening to them and how to reclaim their reality. But, because the term is becoming more familiar in 2022, there is confusion about the differences between a disagreement and gaslighting. People often tell me that someone gaslighted them when in fact, what they are describing is a mere disagreement.

Let's revisit when it's considered gaslighting and when it really isn't. But, first let's redefine gaslighting.

What exactly is Gaslighting in 2022?

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where one person’s psychological manipulation causes another person to question their reality. Gaslighting can happen between two people in any relationship. A gaslighter preserves his or her sense of self and power over the gaslightee, who adopts the gaslighter’s version of reality over their own.

Lately, we've been seeing gaslighting a lot more in the mainstream, especially in Netflix documentaries such as, Inventing Anna, Bad Vegan, and even in politics like the Ukraine and Russian war. As we continue to hear more about this power struggle in different types of relationships, we need to distinguish gaslighting from disagreeing and to understand when conflict veers into gaslighting.

For this reason, I'm sharing a composite of characters and conflicts I've heard recently in my private practice. Let's see if you can spot the differences between gaslighting and a disagreement.

Is It Gaslighting Or Just A Mere Disagreement?

Two sisters, Leslie and Shoshana, grew up in the same home and now are married with children. Before the pandemic, their families met for weekly dinners at their favorite childhood restaurant to stay connected and catch up. When the pandemic started, they switched their gatherings to Zoom meetings.

But two years into the pandemic, a difference emerged that strained their relationship. As businesses reopened and mask mandates loosened, Shoshanna started traveling again, eating indoors, and shedding a mask. Leslie is only comfortable with Zoom meetings, meets with others outdoors, and remains vigilant about masking. The sisters don’t see eye-to-eye on pandemic safety measures and have failed to reach mutual accommodation. They’ve become judgmental of one another.

Their once-supportive relationship has devolved into name-calling and insults. Leslie accuses her sister of being selfish, irresponsible, and a terrible person, while Shoshana accuses Leslie of being sensitive, weak, and gullible to catastrophic news.

Both sisters feel strongly about their position and are equally engaged in the debate. Sometimes, feelings get hurt, as when Shoshana says to Leslie, “You’re wrong, and you don’t care about my family or me.” The sisters disagree, but Shoshana is not gaslighting her sister.

When Leslie expresses her strong and, at times, hurtful opinions, she too is not gaslighting. This is true even though they are expressing alternate interpretations of the same set of facts and even though they want the other person to adopt their perspective. It’s important to remember that gaslighting is not present every time there is a conflict, and someone feels strongly about their point of view and rejects another’s.

When Is It Considered Gaslighting And Not A Disagreement?

Conflicts can veer into gaslighting if one person is so insistent that the other person starts to doubt themselves. A power imbalance in the relationship usually allows the gaslighter to undermine the gaslightee’s sense of self. The need to control, the act of manipulating, and the leveraging of power are essential components of gaslighting—not hurt feelings or challenged viewpoints.

Let’s say Leslie is the older sister, and, growing up, there was a power dynamic in which Leslie set the rules and pushed Shoshana around. Shoshana then might be vulnerable to Leslie gaslighting her in adulthood. If Shoshana starts to believe that she really is a selfish person, second-guesses herself, and begins to withdraw from the relationship, then the sisters are dancing the gaslight tango. If she stays up night wondering whether she is an awful sister and there’s an unconscious reason she wants people to get sick, as Leslie claims, then Shoshana is questioning her own character and the integrity of her relationships. At this point, gaslighting is present.

Gaslighting Takes Two to Tango

Gaslighting exists when a power dynamic within a relationship causes the person being gaslighted to question themselves and their own sense of reality. Often the gaslighter is unyielding and verbally aggressive. The gaslighter likely turns a back-and-forth discussion into blaming the other person and may even lie outright about what took place. They may use statements such as, “Are you crazy? I never said that—must be early memory loss,” and “OMG—fantasy land as usual. Can’t you remember anything?!”

On the receiving end of this behavior, the gaslightee is left feeling worn out, unsure of themselves, wondering whether they are crazy, and may even avoid future discussions in fear of disagreements escalating in a disorienting way. The gaslightee is resigned and questions their reality. They may even accept the gaslighter’s view of reality instead of their own. These are defining elements of gaslighting.

It's also important to know that it takes two to tango when it comes to gaslighting. The power dynamic and the psychological abuse of gaslighting only can exist if the gaslightee allows it.

Concluding Thoughts On Gaslighting Versus Disagreements

You can help keep yourself from ending up in a gaslighting relationship by being aware of the language used in an argument, recognizing how it makes you feel, and noticing how you react to it. Helpful phrases to keep yourself from engaging in a power struggle or verbal loop can include: “Let’s agree to disagree,” “You’re distorting what I said. Let’s take a break and talk later,” and “What you said hurt my feelings, and I’m too upset to talk about this at the moment.”

As people hear the word “gaslighting” more and more in our culture, it’s important to clearly understand what the word really means. So the next time you hear someone in a disagreement, snap back, “Don’t gaslight me. That’s not what I said!” remember that sometimes a disagreement is just a disagreement and not gaslighting at all.

Thank you Angela Lansbury! How Gaslighting Became A Part Of Our Culture

October 24, 2022

In a recent post on Psychology Today, I paid tribute to Angela Lansbury as she inspired many of us over the years. People will remember Angela Lansbury for her many iconic roles, in Hollywood, on the Broadway stage and of course, as the smart and unassuming mystery writer on TV’s “Murder, She Wrote.”  But few may remember that she also had a role in a film that has a lasting impact in both cinema and culture: “Gaslight”. 

We can thank Angela Lansbury for bringing attention to gaslighting in our culture today.

How Exactly Did The Term “Gaslighting” Originate?

In the 1944 film, Gaslight, a coquettish Ms. Lansbury played Nancy Oliver, the housemaid who was witness to the diabolical Gregory, played by Charles Boyer, manipulating the psyche of his trusting and adoring young wife, played by Ingrid Bergman. Just as attentive and as observant as her later character in Murder She Wrote, Lansbury’s ‘Nancy’ captured the audience by conveying her distrust towards the ‘master’ of the house and his relationship with his trusting wife. 

Similar to how we know gaslighting today, the movie centered around Gregory’s ability to manipulate his spouse by insisting she was losing her mind and memory. The term “gaslighting” got its name when he attempted to distort his wife’s perception of reality by tampering with the gas lamps around the house, trying to convince her that the “flickering”  was all in her head and that she should just believe him.

Sound familiar? Reflecting back on this movie, I’m sure that the cast had no idea that this was going to turn into a verb and impact today’s culture the way it has. But, because of Angela, we can thank her for her role in the movie for bringing attention to gaslighting, or rather, the role of an accomplice in the dynamic of gaslighting

Gaslighting In The 1940’s Is The Same As It Is In The 2020s. 

Now, gaslighting is everywhere. It’s in music, TV, movies, the media,  and everyday vocabulary. There are literally shows and albums titled “Gaslight” or Gaslit.”  Shows like Bad Vegan, Inventing Anna, Girl on the Train are just some of the gaslighting movies and series popular over the last few years.

Through the years I watched this movie many times and have  always been fascinated by the woman, seemingly strong and self-possessed, giving up herself and her reality, over time, to the reality twists her husband was concocting. My life’s work has been dedicated to learning, researching, and understanding these dynamics, and I must admit, it’s not for the faint of heart.

I Can Thank Angela Lansbury For Inspiring Me To Write My Book, The Gaslight Effect

As a psychoanalyst in private practice, I have spent years of my clinical work bearing witness to the devastating and destructive power of gaslighting. In 2007, after years of interviews, research and practice, I published The Gaslight Effect, to detail the warning signs of gaslighting: what it looks like and sounds like, the stages people go through in descending into the soul-destroying relationship, and how to get out of it. 

Additionally, I included content geared towards helping victims of gaslighting identify and name the phenomenon they were experiencing. As my colleagues and I often say about similar challenges, “you have to name it to tame it”. Naming the dynamic helped people suffering the gaslight effect to understand they weren’t crazy, or paranoid, or forgetful, but rather they fell into the trap of dancing the gaslight tango with a master manipulator – which often results in them losing themselves and their reality in the process.

The Good News Is That Gaslighting Is Becoming More Recognizable!

My work resonated with scores of people  – and after a re-release in 2018 and a new book coming out in February 2023, it still does! People write to me over and over saying things such as:

  • “OMG – that is what is going on!!!” 
  • “Dr. Stern, have you been living in my house and watching all the interactions??”
  • “I thought it was me”…. Of course, because when women deal with tattered self esteem and a cloudy memory, they most often blame themselves.  “I must be x and y and z!” 

Looking back, I wonder if the movie and subsequently watching gaslighting unfold could have been an important building block of Murder She Wrote, where often people and things were not as they first appeared to be.  And I wonder if Ms. Lansbury brought that sensitivity to the topic in her role in the Manchurian Candidate? Did she know something we didn’t? Or was this all a coincidence on her part? 

However, Is The Term “Gaslighting” Being Used Correctly Today?

Either way, gaslighting has moved culturally from being important as a relationship dynamic to something in our political and social media spaces. And, the term today is often used to describe not just the kind of mind games that made Gaslight an enduring classic, but also discourse that challenges someone’s personal beliefs. “Stop gaslighting me” once was used defensively, and now it is used offensively to claim victimhood status.

As people hear the word “gaslighting” more and more in our culture, it’s important to clearly understand what the word really means. 

We Can Thank Angela Lansbury For Giving Us The Name “Gaslighting”

Ms. Lansbury, thank you for a lifetime of gracing our screens — we will continue to honor you as we watch again and again your iconic characters. Whether you intended to or not, your work has helped many of us identify things that we normally wouldn’t have thought twice about. You inspired us to ask questions, challenge when we’re being challenged, and to follow our instincts.

RIP Angela Lansbury.

Dr. Robin Stern Tackles Burnout

August 31, 2022

In a recent post, I shared my thoughts on emotions and burnout and practical strategies on how someone who is experiencing burnout can reframe their experiences and persevere through them.

We all have felt it at some point, perhaps most notably in the last two years. When we feel stressed, anxious or overwhelmed for a period of time – or when we feel out of control – we become exhausted. After a while, we begin to “burnout.” The last 2.5 years were unprecedented years for burnout, and a wide range of emotions: fear of COVID, grief, anxiety about the changes in our daily lives, uncertainty about climate change and the future, anger about racial injustice, gratitude for blessings in our lives, and impatience. We want to move forward.

Let’s take a look at what burnout is and what it could look like.

The Truth About Burnout: It Doesn’t Look How We Expect It To

People sometimes feel stuck in one or more of these emotions, which might feel even more intense in the context of illness, upheavals in education as well as economics and the fight for racial justice that impacts us all. The result? Many of us have been exhausted for months.

This emotional exhaustion and continued stress over time – especially with no real end in sight – leads to burnout. Burnout is about more than being physically tired and not wanting to get out of bed. Think about your experience at work. Are you experiencing any of the following…

  • Less patience and more irritability
  • Cynicism
  • Feelings of  alienation or disillusionment
  • Feeling less fulfilled or satisfied with your job
  • Trouble sleeping, or sleeping too much
  • Eating or drinking too much
  • Increased headaches or stomachaches
  • Apathy

If any of these are familiar, you may be experiencing burnout. The good news is that there are ways to heal and move forward with a greater sense of well being.

7 Ways To Persevere Through Emotional Burnout

Some of these suggestions are grounded in decades (and in some cases, centuries) of research.

  1. The first and foundational practice, based on research from the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence: give yourself the permission to have all your feelings – without judgment and with curiosity and compassion.
  2. Adopt a mindfulness practice and make it your own.
  3. Check in with your self-care basics: you know, the things your mom likely told you, like investing (your energy, no money needed) in a sleep routine that delivers a good 7 – 8 hours each night. Eat nutritiously, and, as I am sure you know: veggies and good carbs, low sugar and protein and lots of water. Move your body with activities like yoga, swimming,  exercise, dance, walking, or cycling.
  4. Try on an attitude of gratitude, not just in the moment, but daily. Full disclosure: I say a gratitude mantra every morning as I make my bed! I recommend that you find a daily routine that incorporates gratitude. Spend a few minutes each day giving thanks for all you have and for the people in your life who love you. Consider including those essential workers who make sure that our grocery shelves are stocked, those people who care for others, the people who deliver things to us, and so on.
  5. Surround yourself with people who lift your spirits and be a person who lifts other’s spirits.
  6. Find those things that bring joy and fun into your life – and do them! A game of chess, for example. Or, how about charades? Flying a kite? Hula hooping is a favorite of mine. What’s yours?
  7. Tell a story – to yourself and others – about these challenging and stressful times. Include something that you learned about yourself, some kernel of good that emerged during an otherwise tremendously tough time (that tough time that resulted in your feeling burned out). Scientists tell us that  using reframing to tell a positive or hopeful story is a pathway to resilience. Many people now talk about how they realize after being forced to put things on ‘pause’ that they like spending more time with family; some discovered that they liked to cook; some people tapped into strength they didn’t know they had in order to care for others and themselves. In some way, living through COVID has changed us all. This is your opportunity to capture the positive ways it changed you.

So, what did you learn and discover about yourself in the past two and a half years? It’s worth thinking about and hold onto as you persevere through burnout, in order to restore your spirit with well-being practices.  Embrace more than one. You are worth it!

Dr. Robin Stern Tackles ‘Emotional Burnout’ With The Help Of Oji Life Lab

Dr. Robin Stern is one of the founding advisors for Oji Life Lab, a digital learning system for organizations which helps people develop essential emotional intelligence skills that drive performance in the workplace and in life.

If you are experiencing burnout at home or at your workplace, Oji Life Labs can help you become your best self as a parent, partner, or manager.

To learn more about Oji Life Lab, visit: http://www.ojilifelab.com/
Dr. Robin Stern

Robin Stern, Ph.D., is the Co-founder and Associate Director for the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and an Associate Research Scientist at the Child Study Center at Yale.

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